When Love Becomes Addictive

The word “dependence” refers to certain circumstances, limitations or restrictions imposed on us by our surroundings. To live, for example, we are dependent on eating, drinking, sleeping, breathing, etc.

From this point of view, we are talking about absolute needs without which a person can not survive. It is perfectly reasonable and beneficial to realize that you need and are dependent on certain things in life.

On the other hand, we have relative needs that we are not dependent on because they are only preferences that make life a little better. Without them, we would still be able to live a normal life.

For example, if I want to hit a nail in the wall, it would be foolish to say that I absolutely need a hammer. I could use another tool, such as a heavy stone. The hammer is a relative need, although it is preferable to the stone because it is more comfortable, of course.

Once one understands this difference, it can be easily applied to the world of psychology, and especially love. We mistakenly believe that we need love to be happy and survive. Although studies have been conducted on the subject, none of them have come to the conclusion that the participants’ happiness, or lack of happiness, was due to whether they had love in their lives.

If you think you need love in your life and even more so love from a specific person then you will become dependent on that person. This is because your life cannot follow its normal path if this person is not with you. Addiction binds you in chains.

You need this person as you need water to maintain fluid balance and survive, even though this need is only made up of your mind.

There are some clues that can help you realize whether or not you are falling into the jaws of emotional addiction:

You have idealized the other person so much that you believe that in love, and especially with this person, “everything is worth it”. That it does not matter if the person does not respect you, that he will change, etc. Deep down you know that this will never happen and that you are suffering, but you are incredibly afraid to defy the person or leave the relationship. You prefer to shoulder what can not be shouldered.

Because you see the person as a need , you become afraid when he or she is not constantly by your side, as this may mean losing the person, or when you cannot control where he or she is or what he or she is doing. It’s like not finding water to drink and dying of thirst. You become just as anxious, but the difference is that water is a real need.

You dread the thought of a future without the person. You think that you will be unhappy without the person, unable to enjoy anything, and that you will be alone forever, etc. All these extremely unrealistic thoughts are a product of the belief that you need love to function. But addiction is not the answer.

You no longer engage in activities and do not plan things you used to be passionate about. You have even reduced your socializing with your friends. Now you prefer the things that your partner likes to do. You even immerse yourself in things you never thought you would be interested in. In short, you are not the authentic person you once were. You have instead become attached to your partner’s hip, and deep down you feel empty.

Have you identified yourself with anything we mentioned above and want to leave the prison you put yourself in? Then you have to confront your fear of being alone. Realize that the key to ending this addiction is already in your pocket: you just have to use it!

• Modify your hyperromantic thoughts. Romance is beautiful and fun in normal doses, as long as you can control it. But if it goes awry, you can start to get false perceptions such as “without you I am not worth anything”, “without you I would die”, “your absence hurts me” etc. These perceptions, ingrained in our culture, do nothing but to fill you with anxiety over the constant threat of loss.
• You are not your partner’s property and this is not your property. Even if we say things like “my boyfriend”, “my partner” and “my wife”, it’s just a communication tool. In reality, this person is free; he or she does not belong to you. The person has come into your life because he wanted to, and will leave it whenever he wants, whether you like it or not. Realize that even if the person is your partner right now and you share your life in a certain way, he may one day become just another person in the world. And you will survive without him or her.

• Transform your beliefs. Why do you need the person’s love? What are you doing with this love? Why do you want it? Does it provide you with pleasure and happiness, or does it go beyond that? Where is it written that you need a partner to be happy?
• Change your behavior. Once you have worked with these unrealistic thoughts and beliefs, it is necessary to take action. Stop checking or confirming where your partner is and stop giving him unnecessary explanations.

Enjoy the person’s company, but also your own company, both with others and alone. Do what you like and not what you should do because you have a partner. If your partner accepts your new changes, that’s great. If not – turn around and run! This is a person who is not worthy of you and who you do not need. You do not have to depend on anyone to be happy.