When Children Break Up With Their Parents

When children break up with their parents, the latter do not always understand why. No one is perfect, and of course there are parents who do not deserve the love of their children.

But there are also children who, seemingly for no reason, choose to move on, distance themselves and leave a painful silence behind them in a confused and distressed family.

It is undoubtedly a complicated issue. Although there are not enough statistics on the number of families with children and parents who have distanced themselves from each other, it is  a relatively common problem in care.

However, there is another factor that is worth highlighting. In popular literature, it is common to see images of toxic mothers, authoritarian fathers and dysfunctional families raising their children to be unhappy.

It is an inevitable reality that no one can deny; it often happens right in front of our eyes. But one aspect many do not talk about is that  there are children who cut off contact with parents overnight.

There are also adult children who influence their families with negative and exhausting behaviors. Sometimes there are mental illnesses involved, but hardly in 100% of cases.

Why children break up with their parents

To understand why children break up with their parents, one must take into account that  this type of situation often depends on the social and cultural context.

If you compare the Anglo-Saxon model with the Japanese, you see, for example, how cultural family values ​​differ a lot.

Therefore, the context plays a big role, but personality and internal dynamics in each home are even more important.

In this regard, studies such as the one published in The Journals of Gerontology by Glenn Deane, Glenna Spitze and others point out something very interesting.

The fact that children break up with their parents is not always due to a single factor. There are no sure predictive factors, because things like partner and sibling relationships matter.

However, there are two clear facts: the first is that distance in the relationship between parent and child is caused by a complex bond between them; the second is the child’s personality and the circumstances in which he lives.

Problematic upbringing and environment

Some of the reasons why children break up with their parents are the effects of an upbringing characterized by indifference, humiliation, criticism, authoritarianism and lack of support.

When parents talk to their adult children to find out why they are so distant, they may discover the following reasons:

• It is clear to the children that the parents (or at least one of them) did not fulfill their role as parents.
• Traumatic wounds they carry can make it impossible to reconcile,  but giving them some space can heal them.
• There is a clear difference between their own values ​​and those of their parents. In fact, this is not a strong enough reason to cut ties completely. However, when parents do not respect their children’s lifestyle or ideas and therefore punish or criticize them, they may later decide to take drastic action.

Children who do not love their parents; the silence of incomprehension

Some children choose to stop talking to their parents. This silence can make parents anxious and confused. However, this decision is not taken overnight.

Often there is a long history of problems that make the decision the easiest option.

Let us analyze the reasoning behind it.

• Personality type: some people with problematic behaviors decide to completely cut ties to their parents. However, data show that distancing is usually temporary.
• Psychological problems or addiction. Sometimes children decide to move away from home or stop communicating with their parents due to the use of certain substances or psychological problems.
• Hosting resentment:  financial instability, sibling problems, quarrels, misunderstandings or lack of support can lead to family members distancing themselves from each other.
• Romantic relationships:  this is without a doubt another element one must keep in mind. When children start relationships, they will naturally distance themselves from their family a little. In fact, it is more common in co-dependent situations where one person controls and isolates the other person to remove his or her emotional support.

What to do when children break up with their parents

There are many reasons why children make this decision. Each reality is unique and each family member has their own characteristics and peculiarities. There are even cases where distance is necessary.

But something the experts recommend is to always communicate. If a child needs to establish a certain distance from his family, they must explain the reasoning behind the decision.

It helps everyone find a solution and reach agreements. Getting professional help can be just what the family needs.

One thing experts also say, however, is that parents need to be  patient. In most cases, children begin to hear on their own.