The Need To Idealize In Order To Love

When we fall in love, it is not only inevitable to idealize the other person, it is also a necessity. It is an uncontrollable stage, produced with such intensity, and is based on that special view we have of the person we are in love with.

A vision that often makes us show reverence. Every positive trait of the other person is reinforced and exaggerated. All negative traits are reduced or ignored and can also be seen as charming.

This process of idealization will come to an end, because it is inevitable that the original intensity will decrease over time. It is not possible to maintain this stage because it is something that affects all aspects of our lives. It lowers our concentration levels and our attention because all our energy is focused on the one we love.

The biochemical process of idealization

During this stage of passion, biochemical processes arise within our altered brain, and the effects are reminiscent of addiction. Therefore, this stage has been compared to being drugged, and it resembles madness.

When we are in love, the levels of chemical substances, such as dopamine, change in our brains. The production of phenylethylamine will also increase, causing greater arousal. This generates an increased heart rate and insomnia.

Phenylethylamine is also generated by certain foods, such as chocolate. Therefore, this type of food can to some extent relieve our feeling of anxiety when we miss someone we love. At this stage of idealization, certain symptoms may manifest themselves:

• Palpitations and a tickling sensation in the stomach (which is called butterflies)
• Strong nervous arousal, cold sweats, enlarged pupils
• Changes in body odor, paralyzing fear and the physical need for the other person’s presence

Among the psychological symptoms we find the following:

• A focus on the one you love, addiction and loss of your own identity
• A desire to idealize as well as alternating stages between euphoria and depression

Imagination and idealization

The imagination flies away when you idealize and every part of the other person seems fantastic. We imagine an extraordinary being, we play with his personal qualities, but we also add aspects that we want or desire.

We fantasize about them everywhere and anytime. We see them everywhere and it feels like they are a part of us. It is during this time that we may also have hallucinations.

The fantasies we have involve an ideal that we have created regarding what love relationships mean. Depending on how we experience love, we will look for a specific person who is close to this ideal. For example, impossible loves, loves experienced through pain, love based on conflicts, passionate love, tragic love, “perfect” love, etc.

To stay up to date with reality

This process of idealizing a person you love can take a while. When this period ends, the relationship can end or be transformed. This is something that will mainly depend on how reality differs from the expectations we had. If the person we have idealized does not align with our ideals, the relationship will not get very far.

This collision with reality can be frustrating and tragic after all the fantasies we have had. Getting back to reality is a step where our love becomes mature love. This transformation validates that we are with the person we really want to share our life with.

Taking this step back to reality means that you love in a different way, without losing your individuality. Idealization means attaching oneself; it has the strength and energy to want to get to know the other person, with all the intensity that this implies. Although it can be frustrating to break the idealization, it is a positive frustration that helps us to develop.

Love can only exist when two people communicate with each other from the bottom of their existence. Human reality can only exist within that central experience. That’s where life is. This is where you can find the foundation of love.

If it is experienced in this way, love is a constant challenge, not a place to rest. Constant movement, development and working together. Two beings who experience each other and themselves from the essence of their existence.

Finally, we want to share the final scene from the movie “Some like it hot”: