This Is The Main Cause Of Quarrels And Quarrels

A person never listens. The other person starts screaming. Both accuse each other without providing arguments. The main cause of quarrels and quarrels is almost always the same,  and even more so if it ends in meaningless conflicts, filled with contempt and pride.

We are, of course, talking about a lack of empathy.

Let’s think for a moment about the last time we had a reasonably upset quarrel. Most often  this dynamic arises due to differences, attacks or criticism, and we try to prove our truth. We want the other person to see our perspective and prove that he is wrong, has a flawed view or is unfair.

Furthermore, we often also encounter another aspect: defensive behavior. Our shields unfold and we aim to protect ourselves by attacking. This is often seen in romantic relationships, in the quarrels where one or both parties begin to accuse or hand out cheap punches while hiding behind the usual victim role.

We could solve these quarrels much faster if we practiced that magic word – empathy. Trying to take into account the other person’s reality and understand it will humanize conflicts and make them more useful. But the cause of trouble remains the same, because we continue to make the same mistakes.

We are swept away by our emotions and they cloud our judgment, shut off our senses and create distance.

We all want to be understood. But the moment someone questions certain things about us, either by criticizing or debating our “truths,” we see it as a threat. Soon after, our anger begins to show. This is an obvious imbalance in our emotional homeostasis, and it does not take long before we start arguing.

If we take a quick look at less scientific literature on conflicts, the first thing we find is the classic article  How to Win an Argument. We approach our disagreements and arguments as if they were battlefields. We believe that there must be a winner and a loser. It is time to correct this approach.

The most common cause of quarrels and quarrels does not lie in the fact that the world is full of narcissists. These types of people can not be reasoned with, and they are eager to start quarrels. But even if they do exist, far from all are so. The main reason for our quarrels is our lack of understanding of others and the absence of true, practical and useful empathy.

From the moment we understand the other person and discover his reality, we are more willing to give way to the reciprocity that leads to enriching agreements.

It is very possible that you think this is limited to quarrels with good intentions. This may be the case, because in life there are often quarrels that arise from injustice or true abuse. But even in these situations  , it is good to put yourself in the other person’s shoes to discover that it may not be worth arguing; it can be a waste of time.

Empathy is the best starting point for any situation. Seeing, feeling and understanding the other person and then acting is the best thing you can do.

We already know that the main cause of quarrels and quarrels is the misuse of empathy. So  how can we train our empathy so that it saves us from difficult situations and helps us reach agreements. Try these strategies:

• When we do not agree with someone, we must  ask ourselves why we feel that way. Immerse yourself in why the comment bothers you. Is it a nasty attack or is there some truth in the criticism that you are not willing to accept?
• Once we have defined our own emotional reality and the reason we feel uncomfortable, it’s time to do the same with the other person. Make an effort to get the person under the skin to feel, understand and discover. Is this an insecure person attacking me for that reason? Is he angry at something I did in the past and is therefore bitter? Did she say what she said because of fear of losing me or because she wants me to “wake up”?
• The third step is to compromise. Instead of letting ourselves be swept away by emotions, we should choose to control them. Guide your compromise toward understanding and avoid blaming  or talking about past quarrels. You should also avoid actions or words that could aggravate the situation.

We must be able to calm down. Furthermore, we must learn to show the other person that we are empathetic and willing to reach an agreement.

Of course, this is not easy. It takes time and hard “inner” work. But doing so will allow us to enjoy our relationships much more.