Hearts Of Ice: People Who Struggle To Express Their Feelings

Caring and showing it every day are without a doubt the psychological and emotional arteries that nourish a long-lasting and happy relationship. But some people have hearts of ice and can not or do not want to express such loving language.

We say that these people have “hearts of ice”. They are full of contradictions, fears and barbed wire. This and their natural inability to express their feelings creates a deep pain in their loved ones, including their children.

It is therefore not surprising that caring communication is the cornerstone of any relationship. In fact, a lack of this is the main reason why people go into couples therapy.

In fact, it is common for a person not to feel appreciated. There is often a clear imbalance between the two when it comes to giving and receiving care.

Some psychologists refer to this as a hunger to want to be touched, but it is about more than that. People who have hearts of ice have trouble expressing emotions without seeming hostile or withdrawn.

There are few situations that are as destructive to a person as these. Staying within the emotional emptiness will sooner or later make you begin to doubt the relationship and whether love is still there.

Caring and emotional survival

People need more than food to survive. Our cells need nutrients so that they can do all the amazing things that keep us alive.

It may sound strange but also the care gives us nourishment, strength and makes us feel part of a group. A group we can identify with, where we can feel safe and happy.

A good example of this is Juan Mann, the founder of the famous “Free Hugs” movement. He felt that he really lacked human contact to the point that he thought the worst for a while. He was abandoned by his partner, without friends, with divorced parents and a sick grandmother and then thought he was going to die.

Until one day when something spontaneous happened at a party. A girl hugged him spontaneously as an expression of empathy and of his sadness. The cold disappeared for a while from his heart and his world regained its harmony, balance and meaning once again.

After this brief experience, Juan Mann decided to stand on the street with a large sign where he showed that he gave free hugs to every person who needed it. This became something very therapeutic for him. Until then, he had felt such a lack of contact and care that he had sunk into extreme depression.

He had never felt happier. In his fantastic documentary, he explains that what surprised him most was how people reacted. At first they were surprised but when they released the hug, everyone had a big smile on their face. Everyone had benefited from this.

Hearts of ice, or an inability to show consideration

We now know that caring is so “primitive” and necessary that we see it in both animals and humans. Even animals are looking for this daily contact, kindness and emotional contact.

So if these contacts and expressions are natural, basic and magical at the same time, then why are there people who behave as if they have hearts of ice?

• The first thing we need to understand is that there is not just one reason why people have trouble expressing their feelings. We cannot group all these people and behaviors into one category. Nor can we say that everyone is caused by a pathological disease.
• One of the most common causes is low self-esteem. This lack of security in ourselves can make us defensive in our relationships. So we try to minimize the feeling of being rejected by hiding what we think is a vulnerability.
• Maybe I think that by showing consideration and feelings with others I will show weakness. Like it will lower my self-esteem. I might therefore think it’s smarter to keep your distance. I will avoid showing consideration and instead keep up my facade of strength.

There is another aspect that we can not ignore: how we were brought up. If we are born and raised in a careless environment, we will probably not understand it, appreciate it, and offer it to others.

If we do not get this during childhood, we will have trouble expressing our feelings.

• Let’s not forget alexithymia. This disorder causes not only an inability to show emotion, but also a lack of introspection and empathy. People with this condition often focus only on the external, the rational and the concrete.

How should we treat people who have hearts of ice?

There is something else we must remember. We cannot “force” people to express their concern. This strategy never works. Trying to do so can be counterproductive and create the opposite result.

The most appropriate thing to do is to work based on each person’s needs and their psychological and emotional reality. In many cases, the most logical strategy will focus on self-esteem and building a more positive self-image.

Remember that behind that partner, friend or child who can not show care, there is a problem that needs to be fixed.